Process Post: Revamping my image.

Since reading my 2nd peer review, a lot has changed in my life in relevance to adulting. I lost my glasses which is -1 adult point, but also found a place to live and move out to, which is +4. I got a minor raise at work for my social media use which is +2, but I haven’t been feeling very creative about it which is maybe a -0.5. A lot of changes are about to happen but one thing that has been supremely constant this whole semester, is that I haven’t had any relationship progress. I went on two dates with this guy I’d been seeing before I went travelling in 2016, and the first date was to check in and see where we were at. The second, was me trying to give him a hint that maybe this wasn’t for us. He’s in India right now and hasn’t texted me since that second date so I’m thinking he got the message.

In the mean time, I’m still where I’ve been since I started this whole thing. Serving at the pub, trying to do school work and blowing through a season of the West Wing every week and a half. And pining over my ex. Sort of.

They say never shit where you eat, but apparently I .love shit, because every relationship I’ve ever had has been with someone I’ve worked with. That’s three relationships, and three jobs. The first time he moved away. The second time he quit before we broke up. Now I’m not so lucky. My ex has worked for the group that owns our pub for five years. He’s got a hundred connections in the industry. I’ve worked here for just over a year and although I am moving up and getting my networking done, he’s a million steps ahead. Chances of him quitting any time soon are not likely. So I see him almost everyday, and it’s fine. We get along swimmingly, which is exactly the problem. The reason we broke up isn’t because we didn’t get along. It’s because we weren’t getting it on. Enough for him, in any case. When it first ended I did my whole play the victim thing, “Oh, how could we break up over such a dumb reason”. But the truth is, I hadn’t been feeling too attracted to him towards the end of it and had considered breaking up at times as well. But we were so in sync that I didn’t really want to try.

We’ve hooked up a handful of times since that initial breakup and now it’s been almost 7 months since our last one, but I still stay over at his house from time to time just to crash if I’m working late so I don’t have to take a $60 cab over the Alex Fraser back to where I live. In a month this won’t be an issue anymore because I’ll have moved closer to work than where even he lives, so no more “oh I missed the last train, mind if I crash?” excuses for me. I’m not in love with him. But I feel a lot of affection towards him still and I like being around him. When you work with someone like that, who you think also feels the same way but isn’t going to do anything about it, how are you supposed to move on? There are days when I think about quitting but for the most part I like my job and it’s perk and the $250 tip nights. Recently we had lunch and he talked to me about maybe moving to Toronto to work at the group’s expansion of pubs out there. I told him I didn’t think he should do it for a number of reasons, his schooling, his family, and how he’s told me numerous times he doesn’t want to work in the industry forever. But if he did move, wouldn’t it be easier? Of course I would miss him, but if he left then I wouldn’t have to see him all the time. I wouldn’t feel like I’m constantly torn between wanting to be with him and wanting to laugh this whole thing off. We only dated for six months, and they were great, but six months in is pretty early to not want to be having sex with your partner anymore. Isn’t it?

Regardless, it’s an issue I’m dealing with. Sometimes I tell myself I don’t care but the reality is that I get jealous so easily I can barely function and I need/want his attention all the time. Which I feel like is the equivalent of -100 adult points. So what I’m changing about my blog, for this process post, is it’s image. This isn’t a dating blog. It’s a personal blog. Despite my insistence that that personal blogs are crazy boring, I’ve already turned this into one and so by changing the design, the feel, and a little bit of my life anyway, I’ll steer it towards what it’s been all along. A blog about not-romancing. A blog about me.

Why I love girls, why I’m backing off on Tinder, and my first Progress post all in one.

I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself to use Tinder lately for the following reasons:

  1. It’ll make this blog more entertaining. We’ve all seen “Tinder Nightmares”(they even got a book deal) and know how hilarious (and misogynistic), Tinder can be, and I’ve always felt that screen caps from Tinder would give the blog an easier-to-relate-to, easier-to-read format.
  2. It’s probably the best outlet I have for meeting new people right now.
  3. This super cute guy that I work with met his girlfriend on Tinder and now I, myself, am giving it some credit because if this girl can score a brilliant babe like (censored) on it then possibly, COULD I??

Now the reasons why I haven’t been doing so hot with the ol’ Tinder (excluding reasons mentioned in my latest post Swipe-xiety):

  1. I get this icky feeling inside talking to guys over the internet. It’s possible this is a psychological thing. I am not an overtly feminine person, but I have very few male friends. I have one male friend. I can’t help it, I just don’t talk to a lot of men on the daily! It’s not that I don’t trust men, it’s just that I feel so much more comfortable around women in my daily life. My thought process usually is as follows:

Me: *Sees an ordinary girl on the skytrain*: Look at her. She’s got such a cute outfit on! Where did she buy that jacket? I wonder what she’s listening to? She seems super cool and put together! I hope she has a really nice day!

*Sees an ordinary guy on the skytrain*: …………………..Nikes………………….Oh that girl over there has a really cute outfit!

You see the problem? I simply don’t care.

However the opposite comes if I see a really cute guy on the train:

Me: Lookatthatguyhe’sadorablewhatishereadingwhereishegoingdoeshehaveagirlfriendISHEGETTINGOFFATTHISSTOPohnofalsealarmhewasjuststreachingIwonderhowoldheisandwhathisfavouritemoviesareandifhehasadog…..

Even I don’t know what’s going on inside my head. I struggle to get myself to approach these guy because I’m still working on my confident and because of the NightmareSkytrainMan2015, which is a story that deserves a post all on it’s own. Regardless, the skytrain: not always the best place to meet people.

Not to sound completely horrible here but I think the reason I’ve struggled so much with having guy friends is that if I meet a guy I get along with enough I usually fall in love with him and ruin everything. I’m just more open around girls. I trust girls. A girl isn’t gonna date and make out with me for four months and then insist we’re just friends. She’s not gonna refuse to talk to me about what’s bothering her because she’s never learned to to talk about her emotions. She’s not gonna leave the toilet seat up.

I love my girlfriends- I relate to them, and they support me. Female friendships get a bad rep for being “dramatic” in a stereotypical sense, but the drama I’ve had with my girlfriends has luckily been kept to a minimum. My one guy friend, Lucas, is only the exception to this rule because despite being interesting, well travelled and conventionally attractive he is also sort of a horrible person and while I fully enjoy having him as a friend I could never date him knowing how he’s dealt with certain relationships in the past. So that’s a slight cheat to the problem.

I just feel way more comfortable dating people I’ve already met IRL. That way I already have my intuition to guide me on deciding whether or not this person is actually funny and interesting or if they just want to lure me back to their crusty basement apartment and get stoned. All of this ads up to a lot of mostly-unwarranted anxiety about using Tinder at all which leads me to reason number two of why I haven’t been doin’ so hot on the ol’ Tinder:

2. It makes me nervous and I’m lazy.

Another aspect of not knowing these guys in person is that I don’t feel all that inclined to talk to them. If I knew them in person not only would it put me under more pressure to reply to messages (I might run into them on the street! They could tell supposed mutual friends I’m ignoring them!), but it would also make me want to more. 

The lesson I learned this past week is that just because you make a blog post saying you’re going to start doing something, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to start doing it. For example, I was talking to my friend Alex the other day about how she lost all this weight by cutting gluten and dairy out of her diet (hellooooo Vancouver) and I said, “Y’know what? I’m gonna do that! I could lose some weight!” Cut to me waking up the next day and remembering how expensive and disgusting gluten-free bread is and how much I love cream cheese. Crisis averted. Next!

What I mean is that you shouldn’t force yourself to do something you don’t want to do, because it’ll make you miserable. You’ll get nervous and dread doing things you should look forward to, and find yourself crying over dairy free cream cheese. I want this blog to be about my dating life but to be completely honest my dating life is pretty mellow right now. I’m back in school and I’m still working full time, not to mention commuting almost three hours a day plus planning on moving out, plus I just started a new sport. Dating and welcoming new people into my life might be hard to squeeze in.

So I’ve decided to give myself a break on the Tinder regime. I’ll go back on again from time to time but it’s not going to be the only format on this blog. You might be reading some more personal stuff, stories about past dates and relationships as well as hopefully future ones. It’s already making me more eager to post more than once a week. And who knows, hopefully I’ll find a few matches in the real world as well as the online one for once as well.

Swipe-xiety

I’ve re-downloaded Tinder. I’ve set up my account. I’m revisiting my old friend: swipe-xiety.

Swipe-xiety is one of the reasons I could never commit to Tinder in the first place. It would always be there, nestled close to my heart every time I even considered swiping right. It’s the feeling that I owe something to the person I’m matching with.

I’m aware that this is a perfectly fixable problem. I don’t owe this person anything! I’ve never even spoken to them before! How can they expect anything of me? All these feelings mixed with the fact that I have a crippling need to not let anyone down ever. And by doing what I often (or used to often) do on Tinder, ignore everyone, I feel like I’m doing just that.

I imagine them at home, miserable, in a basement apartment surrounded by textbooks and empty cans of Dr. Pepper. Suddenly- my face! A bright light in the darkness of their 20-something lonely, gym sock scented despair. They swipe right… it’s a match!! They’re elated! Finally, a girl cute and committed enough to launch them into enough motivation to quit their jobs at Chipotle and get back on the market goal wise! They send an eager first text, perfectly summarizing all their hopes and dreams for our relationship together:

“Hey”

They wait. A few minutes pass. They go to the washroom. They check their phone again. Still no response. A shiver of doubt crawls up their bony, malnourished spines. They unwrap a dinner of hot pockets and while it’s in the microwave they check again. Still nothing. They spend three hours playing counterstrike online and spend $40 real-life dollars on a skin for their completely fake combat gear. Another check. Still nothing.

Slowly, realization dawns on them that a girl like me, glowing, golden goddess that I am, could never go for a pale, go-to-the-gym-once-every-two-weeks, hot pocket filled, Douglas Kinesiology student like themselves. They’re devastated. They spend the next two days without sleep, watching video game walkthroughs on Youtube and living off Dominos. I’ve failed these men. I’ve let them return to the crippling, vitamin D deprived lives they’ve been leading. This is what I’m afraid of.

In reality I’m pretty sure all guys swipe right to every girl on Tinder to increase their matches and couldn’t pick me out of a lineup of Vancouver Film Girls if there was a neon sign over my head that said “DREAM GIRL”.

But you get my point.

So while swiping most recently I’ve been fighting it. My swipe-xiety. I’m pushing it down, down, away from my heart in to my stomach where it’ll burn up by all the acid and gunk down there. I don’t owe these guys anything. I am getting matches. I don’t have to talk to them or meet them IRL if I don’t want to. I am a stone cold bitch. I am a contender. I am not going out with anyone who eats hot pockets. I am going to get over this.

Single and ready to sort of mingle…

As most people living in Vancouver know, we don’t exactly have the best reputation for dating. Vancouverites have the sterotype of being distant, anti social and cliquish. It’s pretty easy to point out a person on the street and put them into a classic city stereotype: Yaletown yuppies, Commercial Drive hippies and Kitsilano beach bums just to name a few. It’s easy to spot a Vancouver Art Student from a mile away- just look for the long black coat, Doc Martens or Blundstones, and the signature Fjallraven backpack. In a city of people so synced to fit in, it’s hard to get outside of your comfort zone. It’s hard to get out there when everyone around is always moving. Head down. Headphones in. Black umbrellas everywhere.

But not anymore.

Despite being cliche I’m a pretty big fan of the whole “new year new me” mantra and 2017 is no exception. This year I’ve vowed to finally put myself out there. I’ve been single for almost seven months and I’m ready to move forward. Never in my romantic history have I “dated casually”. That is, dating without the searing end goal of a long-term relationship. I’ve never really dated around or “just had fun” either, for a myriad of reasons which I’ll go into in a later post. But hey, things are different now. I’m twenty one, back in school and relatively employed. I’m outspoken and ready to crush that crippling anxiety I get in my gut every time a guy asks me to “hang out” (more on that later as well). I’m ready to re-download all those horrible apps and actually swipe right for once.

The purpose of this blog isn’t necessarily a relationship(although that would be nice), but a chance to see what it’s like on the other side and to give more people a chance. I’ll be documenting my experiences with recaps, screenshots and maybe the occasional vlog. Hopefully if not resulting in romantic prospects it’ll at least give us all a good laugh.